How to conquer FEAR . .

All my Life i have driven by my fear.
Fear that could sometimes brought me so much pain.
Fear that can lead me to death.
My parents built me this fear until now.
I'm trying to conquer my fear but I usually failed.
I have lots of plans and things that I want to do with my life.
Errors, failures, success, happy and sad moments are always their.
It goes hand-in-hand.
Without this I can't learned from our own mistakes.
It helped a lot in building self-confidence.
But...
What can I do? If fear goes first..
They built this fear to me and I felt like its killing me.
I hate to feel this.
I know my parents is just concerned about me.
But don't you think its about time to conquer my fear?
I'm 20 years old lady without self-confidence.
I tend to hide my talents and skills most of the time.
Because of my fear.
I got lots of fears but one of them is..

>> fear of being failed & rejected

What seems could be the problem?
Sometimes if these things happens.
I just sit on the corner and get my pocket bible and read.
I usually do this everytime i am driven with my fear.
And it helped me alot.
Sometimes talking to matured people can help me think of better ways.
Better way of understand things and more.
I know God has a purpose why he built me this kind of fear.
For me to be able to understand and manage things.
And on how to deal with it.

I'm thankful that God is so good that i am able to
conquer my fear little by little.

……………a love that passed by…………….

Love is spoken not just by feeling or speaking but also by showing it to your special someone. Men and women show differences in understanding what love had been to them in their past, present or maybe in the future. Painful, happy and sad moments are such things that i didn’t imagine to feel with.

Yes, love did passed by into me but with great pain and shame…

I didn’t show much of myself of who i really am with him. Because i know it will just be me who will end up crying. Tears fall down at times when i reminisce the past with him. I remember the time when we were beside each other but i cant even move my hand to reach him. I just smile at those words stating “Why him? Of all the people?”. Love makes way for all of us, we may know it coming or not. Loving is accepting anything and everything, even if its painful. Literally speaking, i feel stupid every time i look like a girl trying to get his attention among others. But i can’t stop myself and i can’t blame myself either cause i know its me , giving love to him.

In reality, i have to move on , i know..if i will stay this way forever for him, i will be left with nothing, right? I still hope for something good between us, we may end up together or stay as friends. For me, i will choose the last one, more safe and will not give me problems in the upcoming years.

I still love him and i understand he can’t love me back but thank you for letting me love you. I pray that you will take good care of yourself.

The Sun and the Moon

Choose one.

We attempted to hide beneath the shadow that linked us together. However, on the day that shadow left, the moon rose above us and eliminated the shadow that strong crescent sun had created. And underneath the moonlight we bathed in happiness, forgetting that the sun was bound to rise tomorrow. For the sun will rise everyday and the shadow shall never leave. So what shall one do?

You can not live with either the sun or the moon. So how can one choose between night and day? You would assume that the answer of that is to leave both the sun and moon. But what happens when you shut the moon and the sun out of your life?

Simple, there is no life. Your soul shall always drift and never be complacent. You will find substitutes for the sun and the moon, but you will never feel as alive as you do now. As in the XY/XX, you will be settling and never truly be happy.

Wouldn't it be great if the sun and the moon could both rise at the same time and bless one with there grace simultaneously? But do you remember what happened when we both attempted to shine at the same time. CHAOS! And ironically the sun and the moon come from the same galaxy, and we both orbit around the same planet.

I guess I'm not making anything anymore clear to you and I'm not telling you something that you don't already know. However, I do want to tell you that you have been burned by the sun sufficient times and if you allow the moon to entice you with its gentle embrace, then you adapt to live with out the sun. Isn't that what human survival based on? Adaptation and survival? All I can tell you is that at least with me you have a chance to live.

Nothingness...

I am so tired. I am so tired of my life. I want to fall right now. I am giving up. And crying will never be enough. I will never be enough.

I wonder why I am still writing when all I make out of these pages are never ending stories of depression, hate, anger, indifference, and sometimes....love. My life is just small, like anyone else's life. Some people consider it easy while I consider it something extraordinary. Sometimes, I make it appear bigger and interesting by lifting words out of the dictionary and arrange them my way to describe for the day. Like what I do now. I do it best when I am down or depressed. The power of writing---starts from the HEART. Emotions transferred on forgotten pages. I do that best when I feel the void slowly coming to me and how ironic it is that I get all the good comments from you. But, to tell you honestly, I don't write to please you or the people around me or to touch their lives or to make them relate to my experiences. Experiences are common, but their footprints are not.

So I write because I am in direct need to write. I write because I am hurt and that is almost all the time. I write because I do not know of any single decent outlet other than this. This is my therapy now. I do not trust friends anymore. It is rare for me to write about something lively or plain living or contentment or happy endings. Deep inside me, there is always my continued search for what seems to be lost. I don't understand exactly. But all my experiences in the past brought me to a realization that in my life there is something amiss. I lost count of laughter and of pain. I do not know what's left, if ever anything is left. This feeling seems to be unending. My only defense to total exposure and betrayals that brought me so much pain are my jokes, punch lines and vagueness. Now I write vaguely, such that this entry will hit you to the very core, or feel you or cry with you and you clearly understand and feel right then and there without even knowing what it is I am writing about. I think you know what I mean. Clues are expensive these days; unless you have good intentions of really knowing me, then maybe we could talk about anything over a cup of cappuccino.

Right now, I want all of these to stop. I never wanted more than just to heal. Maybe, I'll start to appreciate prosaic and mundane things. No more vagueness, no more pretense, no more making all of these to big and spacious when my life is a mosh pit. Maybe then I'll start to write about sheer happiness, dogs, constellations and one funny experience worth remembering. I have been to places either because I want to be healed or I get evicted from my place or I'm just sick and tired of the place. And I thought that part of healing is moving from one place to another. Because of lack of permanence, I get to meet people from all walks of life some I got tired of explaining life to; some became my friends, some had heavy personalities, some were just too much to take. And so I move again, and a new set of people comes in. I don't mind their coming, unless they start to meddle with my life. Then I thought I had to be anonymous so they can never penetrate me. Now, I don't even know myself...

How Can I Teach My Heart To Forget You?

. . its so stupid to think that u can’t teach your fuckin’heart to forget someone who doesn’t love u from the start. u give and exert much of your effort to make your relationship work but still it didn’t. You try to understand things but its still vague. Sometimes u gotta asked yourself and try to answer the things that bugging in your mind. Like for example:

- what’s lacking with me?

- did i make our relationship worked?

- am i worthed to be loved back?

- am i true to myself?

- i think im not worthed to be treated this way. .

- am i productive??

This are some of the question that keeps on bugging’ in my mind. Sometimes I blame other people why I end up this mess. But I always remember problem comes from me. . I ask myself first before I think of other people. Some of my questions might not be answered but i guarantee that some of it are being answered but yet realized.

Teaching myself to forget someone is very hard. It’s easy to say but it’s definitely hard to do.I have to consider many factors and of course my feelings/emotion or should i say my HEART. I listened to my friends’advises and I try to think about all their advises and find some remedy to this. But I end up with nothing. And jump into another conclusion. It’s so naive to think all about this shits. But I can’t help it. All I gotta do is to balance everything. Focused myself more in any activities, hang-out with my friends and keep myself busy. In that way, I will never notice that the person I want to learn to forget is gone. I don’t have to rush myself to forget someone so quickly. . .

Reality Has Its Own Middle Finger

Its full moon now, I can see its written a whole of my life story there. I see the dark night in the whole year, shining with one or two stars above. The peacefulness, how quiet I can only hear my thoughts murmurs under realities I have been through. It bites.

How I hurt people when I didn’t mean that. Karma always followed after. How the people I loved walk away from me, and how a trust so strong just vanished as if it never meant to be. Beautiful tales, ugly chronicles, sorrow, pain and cold happiness jump in my life one right after the other.

“Count your blessings instead of sheep” that’s what people said to me. Yes, I do admire how life gave me wondrous coincidences that always happen and I believe it was something destined to be. The state of emergency is where I want to be.

I’m thankful for my parents who hurts me esp my father, friends with their laughter and enemies with their lies that make me realize how life is just one package of drama, reality, a bold and strong feeling called truth. Just how people manage to make it as attractive or hideous as they want it to be.

But one thing for sure I’m fed up with this episode. I need a getaway, someone that dares to take me somewhere I could test my courage on life’s ugliest side. Like other country most specifically New York, where individualistic is the only thing that matters, or Mississippi where family values still on the major track. Maybe Europe, where I can die artistically among the true meaning of art, and perhaps Japan, where I can taste a bit of radical fashion & technology of the future.

Dreaming of distant imagination brought me back to the same moonlight. It just bright and quiet, shining on my optimism of a new year, a new life. I know when I’m not here anymore, I’m still looking at the same full moon…it never change.

JUst when i tot its the right one =(

I really can’t explain how this situation affects me. Just when i thought everything is ok and yet i found out that its not. . i felt like i was just in mini scene. I keep on loving and yet i always end up crying. .i am writing this post just to express and lessen the pain that i felt inside my heart. .
sometimes i wanna get drunked and i wanna shout to the whole world that “” im so DUMB and WORTHLESS