Growth Conflict

Can’t help thinking its strange that the clouds aren’t closing in… sometimes we’re so used to wallowing in our sorrow that when things are going great, you sorta want things to go wrong pretty soon. Heck, maybe thats why I haven’t been able to write much lately, there just isn’t anything I have to bitch about or ponder lately. Its no wonder that happier people are usually simpler people. I just hope i’m not becoming stagnant… if i start smelling a little stale, I might just have to create some problems in my life. So I won’t feel like a peg in a clockwork sometimes… hmm, maybe thats why women love to create drama so much, and hence, the females usually have higher EQ than men. so my new equation for today is that: conflict + alcohol = growth + alcohol (alcohol can be replaced by herbal supplements but is not an integral part of the equation) =) Damn it, I’m running out of excuses to drink.

Heart Sandtrap

The more you struggle the more that sand pit of suspicion, doubt and jealousy will eat you up, where your reason and clarity will quickly be devoured by the hungry belly of acceptance. You’re in so deep you justify every intention, waiting for the sun to shine… but little do you know; only the cold lonely rain will wash it all away. Is it wishful thinking or denial? How do you know when your eyes have been tainted with so much and your mind enveloped by your heart? I know how you feel, I can imagine how it is to be caught in your own web of deception to hold together this fragile state you are in with barely visible threads that could be broken by a gentle breeze. I cannot blame you for the way you are, your heart is no longer yours for how can you think for yourself when you are only thinking for him/her? It may all appear crystal clear to me because I stand and watch on the outside thru this looking glass, how do I reflect this upon you? Detachment helps us to see clearly, but love will keep you alive… I guess we’ll leave it up again to the sands of time to unveil everything to you. In the fire of love, hate, deception, jealousy, and pain… the sand will heat into a mirror where only your reflections prevails and you will see that all the happiness and pain stems from the person you see in that reflection. So how do you want to feel?

A reciprocated reply would make a world of difference, but this unrequited love has sapped the light out of you, now everything doesn’t matter anymore. Taking its toll on you, as every misleading beacon in the midsts of this mist sends a happy spree of hope like a surge of dope into your veins, and the withdrawal seems to kill a little bit of you every time.

This happiness is a drug and in its depression is the only comfort it can offer. How much before you break? How many breaks before you can muster the strength and declare that you had enough? or How long more can you wait before you tell that person how you really feel? For love that is one way, it is to love, but to love in vain… Get the rejection out of the way and move on with life, wallow in this misery and taste the bitterness of loneliness. But what if the love is requited? I guess you’ll never know till you try, so wear your heart on your sleeve before it is too late, realize the fear that your throbbing heart may eventually cool and be shielded by a wall of ice built by an architect of pain. And it will take a tremendous amount of amourous heat to melt that coldness away, if ever you are to love again.

When you suspect that you are being cheated on by your girlfriend it is one of the worst feelings in the world. The thought that someone you love and trusted could be cheating on you can cause you to feel any number of emotions including anger, pain, sorrow, a sense of betrayal, distrust, and many other painful emotions. Even if you ask your girlfriend outright if she is cheating on you odds are she would lie about it anyway, so it can be frustrating stuck in limbo not knowing one way or the other. When people cheat there are some common signs that most of them show which can help you to decide whether or not they are being faithful. To help you analyze your situation here are 7 signs of a cheating girlfriend.

1. She is Spending More Time Away from Home than Usual

One of the most common signs of a cheating girlfriend is that she may start spending more time away from home. It could be that she suddenly keeps getting called into work at odd hours, working late or that she often has to be away on business. Or, she may tell you about some really great new friends that she has made but that you have never met and keep going off to meet up with them without inviting you. Anytime that your girlfriend starts spending significant amounts of time away from home and coming or going at odd hours compared to her usual schedule it can be a sign that she is cheating.

2. She is Spending a lot of Money with Nothing to Show for it.

Most of the time cheating takes money since people who cheat often meet up at places like restaurants or hotels. If you notice that your girlfriend seems to be broke all the time but hasn’t bought anything new and hasn’t had a change in her income level it could be a sign of cheating.

3. She Starts Paying More Attention to Her Appearance

If your girlfriend suddenly starts taking more time with her hair and makeup and dressing up without a special occasion she could be trying to impress whomever she is cheating with. Pay special attention to her underwear selection since most girls like to wear sexy underwear when they are with someone new. If she wears granny panties when she is around you but puts on a lace thong to head to work it could be a sign that she is seeing someone else.

4. She Registers a New Email Address

Because email can be sent discreetly it is one of the most common ways for people who are cheating to stay in touch. Unlike talking on a phone where you could overhear her, she can send an email to another guy from a new email address and you would be none the wiser. Pay attention for her using a new email address, changing her password on her email or suddenly closing the window on her computer when you walk into the room.

5. She Deletes Her Text Messages Right Away

Text messages and cell phones are another common way for people to stay in touch with whomever they are cheating with. A sign that your girlfriend may be cheating is if she suddenly starts deleting her text messages and deleting the call log from her cell phone frequently…usually right after a text message comes in.

6. She Loses Interest in Activities and Interests You Used to Enjoy Together

If your girlfriend is cheating it may start to seem like she has lost all interest in you and in doing activities that you used to enjoy together. She may start canceling your usual movie night or not listening to you when you talk to her. She may not want to hear about your day or pay attention even if you have something important to say to her. It may seem like although she is there with you her brain is somewhere else.

7. Your Mutual Friends Start Acting Weird

You may notice one or two of your mutual friends start acting strangely when they are around you. Sometimes your friends will know that she is cheating and it can make for an uncomfortable situation for them. On one hand they are friends with her and don’t want to betray her secret, but on the other hand they are friends with you and don’t want to see you get hurt. You may even find that someone that used to be a great friend starts avoiding you completely because they don’t want to get involved.

8. Obvious Physical Signs of a Cheating Girlfriend

There are the usual obvious physical signs of a cheating girlfriend that you should watch out for like coming home smelling like cologne, coming home with damp hair or with hair that smells like a different shampoo, or coming home with her blouse buttoned crooked…or even on inside out.

9. She Goes to the Bathroom Right When She Gets Home

If your girlfriend rushes into the bathroom the minute she gets home it could be because she is trying to clean up after cheating and remove any traces from her body. Listen for sounds of running water and be especially aware if she starts to shower right when she gets home. Also keep an eye on her laundry habits. If she suddenly starts washing her clothing every single day it could be because she is trying to hide stains or smells from you that could give away her secret.

Are you happy?

for all the things the you’ve done

with all the times you made fun

have it ever crossed in your mind

that maybe your just blind

with all the things that made you laugh

and all the times doing crazy stuff

give time to sit and think a lot

are you happy, or your not?

RELATE the RELATING RELATIONSHIP

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH to make the relationship last
what are you goin’ to do with it without any trust?
Letting hearts to be broken in just a flash.
Shed to tears as you fall out in a crash.

Running thoughts as your partner have a lust
NOt on you and would you let this past?
Free those ideas as you make a hush
Just have faith not to make any fuss.

Love can embrace faith to have everything wash
Some issues doesnt need to be discuss
What will it do to the future if its a thing in the past?
Your just giving the relationship to end in a dash.

by: Pearly

OUT-of-is-COOL-youth

stomach’s longing for food
mind that needs to be taught
intellectual knowledge are out of senses
have it blame to the fault of economic crisis.

open your eyes as the sun breaks the dawn
pick those tools instead of toys being thrown
better keep young body movin’ to earn cash
stomach’s empty space fill up by a squash.

a-b-c- are replace by 1-2-3
keep away those books and lets count the money
parents are there but not to save the day
let “the god’s will done” silently uttered as they pray.

skin has been burned by the heat of the sun

why can’t this children goes to school and have some fun?
carrying those load of boxes instead of books in a bag
neatly ironed uniformed traded for a clothing rag.

future seems dim as it sound
they go to work for another round
how can you consider them the youth of the nation
no read,no write that lacks from right education.

Temptation

Loneliness… the feeling that made you want to be with someone to begin with. But now, after so long being with him/her, you feel even more alone. Alone because the one who is supposed to understand you, doesn’t, Solitude because what you like and what you want doesn’t seem to matter to him/her, and Cold because the heat and warmth that was once there has been replaced by anger and resentment. Alone and afraid to let go, hope feels like a song you haven’t heard in a long time, and when that tune plays in your mind, you wander to somewhere long ago. Long ago where once you might have been happy?

Then, out of nowhere, temptation comes along in the form of a fresh and juicy fruit. The temptation is perfect in every way, glistening and reflective, warm and happy to the touch. This is truly a heavenly bliss where nothing can go wrong… at least it would appear so to you. The apples in the supermarkets always look perfect and fresh because they are waxed on the outside to preserve its looks on the outside. However, you will find that after the first bite, and enough time passed, it will lose its luster and and its flesh will turn from a glistening white to a dullish brown. So… then what do you do? If each boat we jump is from one slow cooker to another, whats the point? The point is if you have gone thru this once, twice, too many times… then you are the problem. You are not happy with yourself and that is why you pretend to be someone you are not, someone to make him/her happy, someone to do what is necessary to be accepted… wanted. Then that someone you pretended to be becomes a prison to who you are, so you run away to the next temptation after another, but only to find you are merely breaking our of your cell, but not your prison. and your prison is you.

How to conquer FEAR . .

All my Life i have driven by my fear.
Fear that could sometimes brought me so much pain.
Fear that can lead me to death.
My parents built me this fear until now.
I'm trying to conquer my fear but I usually failed.
I have lots of plans and things that I want to do with my life.
Errors, failures, success, happy and sad moments are always their.
It goes hand-in-hand.
Without this I can't learned from our own mistakes.
It helped a lot in building self-confidence.
But...
What can I do? If fear goes first..
They built this fear to me and I felt like its killing me.
I hate to feel this.
I know my parents is just concerned about me.
But don't you think its about time to conquer my fear?
I'm 20 years old lady without self-confidence.
I tend to hide my talents and skills most of the time.
Because of my fear.
I got lots of fears but one of them is..

>> fear of being failed & rejected

What seems could be the problem?
Sometimes if these things happens.
I just sit on the corner and get my pocket bible and read.
I usually do this everytime i am driven with my fear.
And it helped me alot.
Sometimes talking to matured people can help me think of better ways.
Better way of understand things and more.
I know God has a purpose why he built me this kind of fear.
For me to be able to understand and manage things.
And on how to deal with it.

I'm thankful that God is so good that i am able to
conquer my fear little by little.

……………a love that passed by…………….

Love is spoken not just by feeling or speaking but also by showing it to your special someone. Men and women show differences in understanding what love had been to them in their past, present or maybe in the future. Painful, happy and sad moments are such things that i didn’t imagine to feel with.

Yes, love did passed by into me but with great pain and shame…

I didn’t show much of myself of who i really am with him. Because i know it will just be me who will end up crying. Tears fall down at times when i reminisce the past with him. I remember the time when we were beside each other but i cant even move my hand to reach him. I just smile at those words stating “Why him? Of all the people?”. Love makes way for all of us, we may know it coming or not. Loving is accepting anything and everything, even if its painful. Literally speaking, i feel stupid every time i look like a girl trying to get his attention among others. But i can’t stop myself and i can’t blame myself either cause i know its me , giving love to him.

In reality, i have to move on , i know..if i will stay this way forever for him, i will be left with nothing, right? I still hope for something good between us, we may end up together or stay as friends. For me, i will choose the last one, more safe and will not give me problems in the upcoming years.

I still love him and i understand he can’t love me back but thank you for letting me love you. I pray that you will take good care of yourself.

The Sun and the Moon

Choose one.

We attempted to hide beneath the shadow that linked us together. However, on the day that shadow left, the moon rose above us and eliminated the shadow that strong crescent sun had created. And underneath the moonlight we bathed in happiness, forgetting that the sun was bound to rise tomorrow. For the sun will rise everyday and the shadow shall never leave. So what shall one do?

You can not live with either the sun or the moon. So how can one choose between night and day? You would assume that the answer of that is to leave both the sun and moon. But what happens when you shut the moon and the sun out of your life?

Simple, there is no life. Your soul shall always drift and never be complacent. You will find substitutes for the sun and the moon, but you will never feel as alive as you do now. As in the XY/XX, you will be settling and never truly be happy.

Wouldn't it be great if the sun and the moon could both rise at the same time and bless one with there grace simultaneously? But do you remember what happened when we both attempted to shine at the same time. CHAOS! And ironically the sun and the moon come from the same galaxy, and we both orbit around the same planet.

I guess I'm not making anything anymore clear to you and I'm not telling you something that you don't already know. However, I do want to tell you that you have been burned by the sun sufficient times and if you allow the moon to entice you with its gentle embrace, then you adapt to live with out the sun. Isn't that what human survival based on? Adaptation and survival? All I can tell you is that at least with me you have a chance to live.

Nothingness...

I am so tired. I am so tired of my life. I want to fall right now. I am giving up. And crying will never be enough. I will never be enough.

I wonder why I am still writing when all I make out of these pages are never ending stories of depression, hate, anger, indifference, and sometimes....love. My life is just small, like anyone else's life. Some people consider it easy while I consider it something extraordinary. Sometimes, I make it appear bigger and interesting by lifting words out of the dictionary and arrange them my way to describe for the day. Like what I do now. I do it best when I am down or depressed. The power of writing---starts from the HEART. Emotions transferred on forgotten pages. I do that best when I feel the void slowly coming to me and how ironic it is that I get all the good comments from you. But, to tell you honestly, I don't write to please you or the people around me or to touch their lives or to make them relate to my experiences. Experiences are common, but their footprints are not.

So I write because I am in direct need to write. I write because I am hurt and that is almost all the time. I write because I do not know of any single decent outlet other than this. This is my therapy now. I do not trust friends anymore. It is rare for me to write about something lively or plain living or contentment or happy endings. Deep inside me, there is always my continued search for what seems to be lost. I don't understand exactly. But all my experiences in the past brought me to a realization that in my life there is something amiss. I lost count of laughter and of pain. I do not know what's left, if ever anything is left. This feeling seems to be unending. My only defense to total exposure and betrayals that brought me so much pain are my jokes, punch lines and vagueness. Now I write vaguely, such that this entry will hit you to the very core, or feel you or cry with you and you clearly understand and feel right then and there without even knowing what it is I am writing about. I think you know what I mean. Clues are expensive these days; unless you have good intentions of really knowing me, then maybe we could talk about anything over a cup of cappuccino.

Right now, I want all of these to stop. I never wanted more than just to heal. Maybe, I'll start to appreciate prosaic and mundane things. No more vagueness, no more pretense, no more making all of these to big and spacious when my life is a mosh pit. Maybe then I'll start to write about sheer happiness, dogs, constellations and one funny experience worth remembering. I have been to places either because I want to be healed or I get evicted from my place or I'm just sick and tired of the place. And I thought that part of healing is moving from one place to another. Because of lack of permanence, I get to meet people from all walks of life some I got tired of explaining life to; some became my friends, some had heavy personalities, some were just too much to take. And so I move again, and a new set of people comes in. I don't mind their coming, unless they start to meddle with my life. Then I thought I had to be anonymous so they can never penetrate me. Now, I don't even know myself...

How Can I Teach My Heart To Forget You?

. . its so stupid to think that u can’t teach your fuckin’heart to forget someone who doesn’t love u from the start. u give and exert much of your effort to make your relationship work but still it didn’t. You try to understand things but its still vague. Sometimes u gotta asked yourself and try to answer the things that bugging in your mind. Like for example:

- what’s lacking with me?

- did i make our relationship worked?

- am i worthed to be loved back?

- am i true to myself?

- i think im not worthed to be treated this way. .

- am i productive??

This are some of the question that keeps on bugging’ in my mind. Sometimes I blame other people why I end up this mess. But I always remember problem comes from me. . I ask myself first before I think of other people. Some of my questions might not be answered but i guarantee that some of it are being answered but yet realized.

Teaching myself to forget someone is very hard. It’s easy to say but it’s definitely hard to do.I have to consider many factors and of course my feelings/emotion or should i say my HEART. I listened to my friends’advises and I try to think about all their advises and find some remedy to this. But I end up with nothing. And jump into another conclusion. It’s so naive to think all about this shits. But I can’t help it. All I gotta do is to balance everything. Focused myself more in any activities, hang-out with my friends and keep myself busy. In that way, I will never notice that the person I want to learn to forget is gone. I don’t have to rush myself to forget someone so quickly. . .

Reality Has Its Own Middle Finger

Its full moon now, I can see its written a whole of my life story there. I see the dark night in the whole year, shining with one or two stars above. The peacefulness, how quiet I can only hear my thoughts murmurs under realities I have been through. It bites.

How I hurt people when I didn’t mean that. Karma always followed after. How the people I loved walk away from me, and how a trust so strong just vanished as if it never meant to be. Beautiful tales, ugly chronicles, sorrow, pain and cold happiness jump in my life one right after the other.

“Count your blessings instead of sheep” that’s what people said to me. Yes, I do admire how life gave me wondrous coincidences that always happen and I believe it was something destined to be. The state of emergency is where I want to be.

I’m thankful for my parents who hurts me esp my father, friends with their laughter and enemies with their lies that make me realize how life is just one package of drama, reality, a bold and strong feeling called truth. Just how people manage to make it as attractive or hideous as they want it to be.

But one thing for sure I’m fed up with this episode. I need a getaway, someone that dares to take me somewhere I could test my courage on life’s ugliest side. Like other country most specifically New York, where individualistic is the only thing that matters, or Mississippi where family values still on the major track. Maybe Europe, where I can die artistically among the true meaning of art, and perhaps Japan, where I can taste a bit of radical fashion & technology of the future.

Dreaming of distant imagination brought me back to the same moonlight. It just bright and quiet, shining on my optimism of a new year, a new life. I know when I’m not here anymore, I’m still looking at the same full moon…it never change.

JUst when i tot its the right one =(

I really can’t explain how this situation affects me. Just when i thought everything is ok and yet i found out that its not. . i felt like i was just in mini scene. I keep on loving and yet i always end up crying. .i am writing this post just to express and lessen the pain that i felt inside my heart. .
sometimes i wanna get drunked and i wanna shout to the whole world that “” im so DUMB and WORTHLESS